The best and only survival guide to the rPlank™ − the newest and best mobile platform for pirates on the go! Employing a system of Apparatuses (called "Apps" for short), the rPlank™ can do just about anything. Better than Steampunk, the rPlank™ uses Piratepunk™ technology! Great color images throughout! Captain Drew has been described as "What Douglas Adams would have become if he'd been bitten by a radioactive pirate".
Captain Drew makes each rPlank™ from that most rare of elements: the gangplank of a captured ship. As such, the rPlank™ is actually a quite expensive item to fabricate. Provided below is a pricing chart for those interested in purchasing an rPlank™ for themselves.5
|Finish Level||Description||USD||Barter (alternate payment)|
|Bare, unfinished plank. No salt water soak, no hardware, no bolts, no splinters. Best for people who want to build their own plank.||$1499||Date for Captain Drew with Jennifer Aniston. Kiss at end of night.|
|B||Finished plank with splinters. Salt water soaked with barnacles.||$2599||Same as Finish Level "A", with addition of hand holding and a brief peep at derriere.|
|C||Same as Finish Level "B". Addition : Handle.||$3500||
Same as Finish Level "B", with addition of trip to Disney World. Also: Touch one boob.
|D||Same as Finish Level "C". Apparatus Bolting system with knobs.||$5600||Same as Finish Level "C". Addition: Touch the other boob.|
|E||Same as Finish Level "D". Addition: miniature nuclear reactor (aka "Atomic Potato")||$35B||Same as Finish Level "D". Addition: Butterfly kisses.|
|F||Same as Finish Level "E". Addition: Stereoscopic Zoetrope Apparatus.||$500B||Same as Finish Level "E". Addition: Lay in hammock together and read the Sunday paper while counting our money.|
Captain Drew is a sentimental old fool and as such has attached a ridiculous price of $USD 1,000,000 to the only existing prototype of the rPlank⁚, so if you're a rich old coot with money to burn, why not contact the Captain through appropriate channels with your offer. Serious inquiries only.6