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rPlank™

Before You Buy an rPlank™ You Have to Read the Instructions.

Before you can be licensed1 to operate an rPlank™ you must purchase and read this handsome technical manual2. Also available as an eBook for lesser, non-rPlank™ type devices.3 The perfect gift for the pirate in your life!4

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rPlank™

The Official Survival Guide

By Captain Drew

The best and only survival guide to the rPlank™ − the newest and best mobile platform for pirates on the go! Employing a system of Apparatuses (called "Apps" for short), the rPlank™ can do just about anything. Better than Steampunk, the rPlank™ uses Piratepunk™ technology! Great color images throughout! Captain Drew has been described as "What Douglas Adams would have become if he'd been bitten by a radioactive pirate".

  • Now available on Amazon.comBlack & White $14.99 - Color $40.00
  • Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu. Black & White $14.99 softback
  • Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu. Full-Color $40 softback
  • Now Available in the iBookstore! eBook $9.99
  • Now Available on Nook!Read it on your Nook!
  • Coming soon to additional online bookstores!

Learn more about the rPlank™:

How to Purchase an Actual rPlank™

Captain Drew makes each rPlank™ from that most rare of elements: the gangplank of a captured ship. As such, the rPlank™ is actually a quite expensive item to fabricate. Provided below is a pricing chart for those interested in purchasing an rPlank™ for themselves.5

Finish Level Description USD Barter (alternate payment)

A

Bare, unfinished plank. No salt water soak, no hardware, no bolts, no splinters. Best for people who want to build their own plank. $1499 Date for Captain Drew with Jennifer Aniston. Kiss at end of night.
B Finished plank with splinters. Salt water soaked with barnacles. $2599 Same as Finish Level "A", with addition of hand holding and a brief peep at derriere.
C Same as Finish Level "B". Addition : Handle. $3500

Same as Finish Level "B", with addition of trip to Disney World. Also: Touch one boob.

D Same as Finish Level "C". Apparatus Bolting system with knobs. $5600 Same as Finish Level "C". Addition: Touch the other boob.
E Same as Finish Level "D". Addition: miniature nuclear reactor (aka "Atomic Potato") $35B Same as Finish Level "D". Addition: Butterfly kisses.
F Same as Finish Level "E". Addition: Stereoscopic Zoetrope Apparatus. $500B Same as Finish Level "E". Addition: Lay in hammock together and read the Sunday paper while counting our money.

Purchasing THE Original rPlank™ Prototype

Captain Drew posing with the rPlank in the cabin of his pirate spaceship

Captain Drew is a sentimental old fool and as such has attached a ridiculous price of $USD 1,000,000 to the only existing prototype of the rPlank⁚, so if you're a rich old coot with money to burn, why not contact the Captain through appropriate channels with your offer. Serious inquiries only.6

Deadly Earnest Warnings

  • Standard nuclear regulations, not to worry.
  • Don't worry, there are lots of pictures.
  • Ironic, seeing as how much we've belittled these other devices in our ad copy.
  • Don't worry, there are lots of pictures.
  • Come now, JD - we know that you be the only one daring enough to order one of these.
  • Does that ever work?