The best and only survival guide to the rPlank™ − the newest and best mobile platform for pirates on the go! Employing a system of Apparatuses (called "Apps" for short), the rPlank™ can do just about anything. Better than Steampunk, the rPlank™ uses Piratepunk™ technology! Great color images throughout! Captain Drew has been described as "What Douglas Adams would have become if he'd been bitten by a radioactive pirate".
Captain Drew makes each rPlank™ from that most rare of elements: the gangplank of a captured ship. As such, the rPlank™ is actually a quite expensive item to fabricate. Provided below is a pricing chart for those interested in purchasing an rPlank™ for themselves.5
Finish Level | Description | USD | Barter (alternate payment) |
A |
Bare, unfinished plank. No salt water soak, no hardware, no bolts, no splinters. Best for people who want to build their own plank. | $1499 | Date for Captain Drew with Jennifer Aniston. Kiss at end of night. |
B | Finished plank with splinters. Salt water soaked with barnacles. | $2599 | Same as Finish Level "A", with addition of hand holding and a brief peep at derriere. |
C | Same as Finish Level "B". Addition : Handle. | $3500 | Same as Finish Level "B", with addition of trip to Disney World. Also: Touch one boob. |
D | Same as Finish Level "C". Apparatus Bolting system with knobs. | $5600 | Same as Finish Level "C". Addition: Touch the other boob. |
E | Same as Finish Level "D". Addition: miniature nuclear reactor (aka "Atomic Potato") | $35B | Same as Finish Level "D". Addition: Butterfly kisses. |
F | Same as Finish Level "E". Addition: Stereoscopic Zoetrope Apparatus. | $500B | Same as Finish Level "E". Addition: Lay in hammock together and read the Sunday paper while counting our money. |
Captain Drew is a sentimental old fool and as such has attached a ridiculous price of $USD 1,000,000 to the only existing prototype of the rPlank⁚, so if you're a rich old coot with money to burn, why not contact the Captain through appropriate channels with your offer. Serious inquiries only.6