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rPlank™

Technical Specifications

Models

Size and Weight1
  • Height: 24.0 inches (609.6 mm)
  • Width: 7.1875 inches (182.5625 mm)
  • Depth: 0.75 inch (19.05 mm)
  • Weight: 0.6 stone (3810.1759 g)
  • Height: 24.0 inches (609.6 mm)
  • Width: 7.1875 inches (182.5625 mm)
  • Depth: 0.75 inch (19.05 mm)
  • Weight: 0.7 stone (4445.2052 g)
    (Splinters + Gore model)

Splinters2
7SPL
9SPL
17SPL
9.5SPL
17SPL
32SPL

Barnacles
  • Chthamalus Stellatus
  • Six plates
  • Adhesive forehead
  • Standard package plus:
  • Cyprid Stage : CLAM Rev. A (801, 1901 MHz)
  • Data-impaired3
  • Hull cling (2098.91 u/r/r)
  • Bluecrust 5.1

Carriers
  • flea
  • An Flea
  • black rat
  • An Rat

Display
  • Interchangeable bolt-on Touch-n-Feel display with ARRR technology
  • Twin-knobs for ultimate security
  • Resolution of 3 barnacles per inch (bpi)
  • Very little support of any kind

Atomic Potato
  • Built-in J-42 15-kilowatt-hour high-performance, low-power nuclear reactor custom designed by Captain Drew

Nuclear Batteries3
  • twin futuristic storage devices capable of slipping 15Kwh of energy into a pocket universe for use when the Atomic Potato is offline
  • Up to 13,600 years of surfing, watching stereoscopic zoetrope, or listening to music
  • Charging via ThunderPeg™ or proximity to a neutron star
  • twin futuristic storage devices capable of slipping 25Kwh of energy into a pocket universe for use when the Atomic Potato is offline
  • Up to 60,500 years of surfing, watching stereoscopic zoetrope, or listening to music
  • Charging via ThunderPeg™ or proximity to a neutron star

Input/Output
  • Handle
  • Screwposts
  • Barnacle mouths
  • Wormholes
  • Handle
  • Screwposts
  • Barnacle mouths
  • Wormholes
  • Micro-SIM card tray (no, just kidding)

Sensors
  • Your fingers
  • Splinters
  • Surface of plank
  • Your fingers
  • Splinters
  • Surface of plank

Location
  • Stand in the place where you be
  • Compass App
  • Stand in the place where you be
  • Compass App
  • X - for marking the spot

Audio Playback
  • Frequency response: none
  • Audio formats supported: spoken word, squeezebox
  • Screaming really loud
  • Mister Dolby, the bilgeman

TV and Video
  • Video formats supported: What do you think?

Mail Attachment Support
  • Viewable document types: paper

Languages
  • Language support : Universal
  • Keyboard support : Universal (except for gaseous particle beings)
  • Dictionary support : spotty at best

Accessibility
  • No softkeys - accessible by the blind. Steve Jobs hates blind people.
  • Big handle
  • No screen edges
  • Anything on anything display
  • Lifelike Audio

Environmental Requirements
  • Operating temperature: -432° to 1800° F (-257.78° to 982° C)
  • Nonoperating temperature: does it really matter at that point?
  • Relative humidity: 0% to 100% dripping
  • Maximum operating altitude: n/a

Mac System Requirements
  • We look fat in turtlenecks.

Windows System Requirements
  • They named an operating system after parts of a house? Seriously?

In the Box
  • No box. All our cardboard be donated to Cardboard*Con
  • rPlank™
  • Rope to tie ship to dock
  • Lead shielding for your privates
  • Very little documentation

Environmental Status Report

rPlank™ embodies Captain Drew's continuing attempt to promote "Piratepunk Technology". It is designed with the following features to make it more "green":

  • Made from recycled gangplanks from captured merchant ships
  • Free Mercury for your kids to play with!
  • Recyclable wood and metal doo-dads

Deadly Earnest Warnings

  • What, you're not going to buy one because it be the wrong size?
  • A rough approximation.
  • Not compatible with Stuxnet, Stuxnet Lite or Amiga operating systems